“Why would you do that? What’s wrong with you? Can’t you ever do anything right?”
Such harsh words have dire consequences, but they’re significantly more damaging for children. As parents, it is tempting to get angry, yell and punish our children when they make mistakes or do not behave according to our expectations. However, when we stop and think about how we would feel being corrected the same way, it is obvious that harshness is far from the best method.
I have been corrected harshly and yelled at, and even as an adult, the experience was extremely demoralizing. Rather than focusing on improving and correcting myself, the harshness made me feel shame, made me want to shut down, made me feel worthless, and made me develop unpleasant feelings towards those who tried to correct me.
On the other hand, when a person is gentle, lenient and softhearted, I feel safe to open up and be myself, even with my flaws and faults. I can’t help but feel connected to the person in a way that prevents me from actions that would make the person sad or upset. This connection makes me strive to accept advice, even if it is difficult to implement, because I know the advice is being given by someone who cares and desires to help me become a better version of myself. Such a connection is even more crucial with children, and I have observed that, like me, my children respond much better to gentleness and kindness than they do to harshness.
The ability to be lenient and soft with our children is a mercy from Allah, just as it was a mercy granted to Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). “So by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them.” (Aal Imraan:159). Often when something goes wrong, our own fears and lack of patience prohibit us from thinking clearly, remaining calm and acting with kindness. We worry about the consequences of our children’s mistakes, and incorrectly assume that the situation is an emergency. What if they keep making these mistakes? What if they never learn? While it may seem like being strict with children and compelling them to obey is the only way to discipline, in reality, I have seen that gentleness is drastically more effective. Harshness may get results in the short term, but it fails in the longterm and reduces our children's self worth. It is crucial to realize that the connection and relationship with our children is infinitely more important than immediately and harshly correcting the mistakes they make. This connection actually makes our children desire to make us happy and not disappoint us.
When we are harsh and rude, our speech and actions display it. Often, even with neutral words, our children can sense the harshness of our hearts through our tones and facial expressions. “And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you.” (Aal Imraan:159). Our harshness results in our children not wanting to be around us because of how we make them feel. If they dislike being around us, how likely are they to hear our advice, let alone accept it?
Preserve the connection and the relationship with your children, and next time Shaitaan tempts you to take your anger or disappointment out on them, remember how gentle and lenient Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was, “So by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]. (Aal Imraan:159)
