Soft Heart

“Why would you do that? What’s wrong with you? Can’t you ever do anything right?”

Such harsh words have dire consequences, but they’re significantly more damaging for children. As parents, it is tempting to get angry, yell and punish our children when they make mistakes or do not behave according to our expectations. However, when we stop and think about how we would feel being corrected the same way, it is obvious that harshness is far from the best method.

I have been corrected harshly and yelled at, and even as an adult, the experience was extremely demoralizing. Rather than focusing on improving and correcting myself, the harshness made me feel shame, made me want to shut down, made me feel worthless, and made me develop unpleasant feelings towards those who tried to correct me. 

On the other hand, when a person is gentle, lenient and softhearted, I feel safe to open up and be myself, even with my flaws and faults. I can’t help but feel connected to the person in a way that prevents me from actions that would make the person sad or upset. This connection makes me strive to accept advice, even if it is difficult to implement, because I know the advice is being given by someone who cares and desires to help me become a better version of myself. Such a connection is even more crucial with children, and I have observed that, like me, my children respond much better to gentleness and kindness than they do to harshness.

The ability to be lenient and soft with our children is a mercy from Allah, just as it was a mercy granted to Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). “So by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them.” (Aal Imraan:159). Often when something goes wrong, our own fears and lack of patience prohibit us from thinking clearly, remaining calm and acting with kindness. We worry about the consequences of our children’s mistakes, and incorrectly assume that the situation is an emergency. What if they keep making these mistakes? What if they never learn? While it may seem like being strict with children and compelling them to obey is the only way to discipline, in reality, I have seen that gentleness is drastically more effective. Harshness may get results in the short term, but it fails in the longterm and reduces our children's self worth. It is crucial to realize that the connection and relationship with our children is infinitely more important than immediately and harshly correcting the mistakes they make. This connection actually makes our children desire to make us happy and not disappoint us.

When we are harsh and rude, our speech and actions display it. Often, even with neutral words, our children can sense the harshness of our hearts through our tones and facial expressions. “And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you.” (Aal Imraan:159). Our harshness results in our children not wanting to be around us because of how we make them feel. If they dislike being around us, how likely are they to hear our advice, let alone accept it? 

Preserve the connection and the relationship with your children, and next time Shaitaan tempts you to take your anger or disappointment out on them, remember how gentle and lenient Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was, “So by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]. (Aal Imraan:159)

Unworthy

“You’re such a sinner,” I thought to myself. The barrage of negative thoughts continued, “You lose your temper all the time. You yell at the kids. You’re not patient. What kind of student of Qur’an are you!? No wonder Allah hasn’t give it to you yet!”

I thought I had figured out why it was taking me so long to memorize the Qur’an. “I think I should stop. I don’t deserve to memorize the Qur’an,” I confessed my feelings of unworthiness to a wise friend of mine who had already memorized the Qur'an.

“You’ll never be worthy of it,” She responded.

I looked at my friend, confused. She thought I should stop too?

“No one’s worthy of it,” she continued. “It’s a blessing from Allah. It’s a gift that he bestows on people He chooses.”

Her words struck me hard. I wasn’t just unworthy now, I would never be worthy of these words being in my heart. Allah was choosing me as a vessel for His Words even though I didn’t deserve it. Rather than feeling hopeless that I hadn’t memorized the entire Qur’an, I should be grateful that He allowed me to memorize as much as I already did. I needed to recognize how much He had already blessed me and look at the glass half full rather than half empty!

And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.' “ (Ibrahim: 7)

Next time Shaitaan tries to stop you from the good deeds you’re doing by convincing you that you’re a hypocrite, remember that your good actions are a blessing from Allah. Be grateful, persist in the good, and avoid the bad so He can increase you.

* I wrote this a few years ago, but I only got around to posting it now.

Reviewing with Children

Lack of motivation is a common problem when memorizing. Although we really want to continue memorizing the Qur'an and desire to have the words of Allah preserved inside our hearts, we still struggle with the portions we have already memorized and need to review. I have noticed this lack of motivation in myself, my children and other students of the Qur'an. Following are some tips which I have used to make reviewing with my kids easier. Try whichever ones you feel will work; sometimes different methods work on different days.

1) Make du’a for Allah to put the Qur'an in the hearts, minds and actions of your child and for it to be easy for her. The only way anything happens is first, with the help of Allah, and then with consistent and persistent effort. It’s amazing how strong and effective du’as are.

2) Let your child see you when you are reviewing. The biggest motivator for a child to perform a behavior is seeing her parents do it. Reviewing is no exception. When your child sees you reviewing, she will internalize the importance of review.

3) Talk to your child and remind her about the importance of review. Memorizing without maintaining review is like carrying a bucket of water with a hole in it; eventually everything will be lost. I find that even though my daughter knows the importance of review, this reminder is needed often.

4) Do the hardest review first. Save the easier review for the end when the brain is more tired. For my children, the hardest review is usually what they memorized in the last 3-6 days, followed by their weekly review. We do the remainder of the recent review in the end.

5) Make Qur’an first on the to-do list. The brain is freshest and least cluttered in the morning. Use the morning freshness to your advantage and knock review off the list. Often my kids will do their most recent review and their new before having breakfast. On days they’re too hungry, they do it immediately after breakfast.

6) Schedule a break. My children complete their cycle of old review during the weekdays, so on the weekends they only have recent review and new memorization. This break allows them to rest their brains but still move ahead in new memorization. There have been times where we took a day of the weekend completely off, but that’s rare.

7) Snuggle during review. I have a friend who listens to her son’s review with her head in his lap. I often review with my daughter in my lap or snuggled next to me, even though she is 10 years old! It brings us closer together and makes her feel like it’s her special time with me. 

8) Be gentle. When your child makes a mistake, don’t get frustrated, and don’t get angry. It may seem strange that she is repeating the same mistake multiple times, but when the mistake is solid, it is difficult to fix. Remember that it is difficult to review, but it is even more difficult when the person listening to you is upset with you. When your child fixes an old mistake or completes a portion without mistakes, give her a thumbs up or another gesture to indicate she did well; speaking to her when she is doing well may throw her off and cause her to make a mistake.

9) Review in a distraction free area. My children often review in the car, because there is nothing around to distract them. Sometimes we review in the garage or in the office with the door closed if there are other children around.

10) Set a timer. Set a fixed time to concentrate and see how much can be finished in that time. I used to set a 30 minute timer for my daughter, and that really helped her focus on getting done as much as she could without getting distracted in between surahs. Often she would finish all her review, even though she though she anticipated it taking much longer. Caution: Ensure your kids are not reviewing fast. Reviewing too fast compromises tajweed.

Which of these methods have you tried before? What works for your children?

There's a hole in my bucket...

Inconsistent review is like having a hole in your bucket. Even if you are memorizing new portions of the Qur'an, your old portions are slowly leaking out. Unless you plug the hole by reviewing, you will eventually lose everything you memorized.

Qur’an Memorization Tips

1) The night before you memorize, read the word for word translation of the portion you’re memorizing. Study it so you understand and internalize what the words and verses mean as you recite. This will not only help you during memorization and review, but also in implementing what you memorize.

2) The night before you need to memorize, read from the mushaf the portion you need to memorize until it’s easy on your tongue. That means it rolls off your tongue smoothly, without any hesitation. Make sure you do this with proper tajweed so your tongue is used to the correct recitation. For some people this is 10 times, for others it’s 40. If it’s easy on your tongue, it will be easy to memorize.

3) Listen to it on repeat. You can listen to it as you’re falling asleep, while you’re cooking, doing your chores, or any other time your body is doing work that is automatic and does not require much thought. It’s amazing how much just hearing the Qur’an will aid in memorizing it—even if you think you’re not an auditory learner.

4) Mark your mistakes. If you keep forgetting a certain word, circle it in pencil, or make a box around it, and repeat that word with the word before and after it. When you’re reciting it from memory, the mark will help you remember the spot on the page where you were messing up—even if you think you’re not a visual learner.

5) Recite to someone before you recite to your teacher. If you do not recite your new lesson to your teacher daily, you need to find someone who will listen to your new memorization the day you memorize it. It also helps to have someone listen to the combined new lessons the day you’re reciting to your teacher, to make sure your recitation is free from hesitation and mistakes. For example, if you recite to your teacher once a week have someone else listen to your new lesson daily. Also, have someone listen to all 7 days of lessons combined right before reciting it to your teacher. 

6) This last tip is only relevant if you get nervous when reciting to your teacher, and your mind goes blank: Stay around 2 days ahead of what you need to recite to your teacher. That way, when you get nervous, you still remember your lesson, because it’s 2 days old (and you’ve been maintaining your review!!).

Stress, Anxiety and Moses

The adrenaline rushed through my body. My stomach was in knots; it felt like i was about to get an ulcer. My palms were cold but sweaty. They were trembling so much I sat on them to hide the shaking. My knees were shaking uncontrollably. My breaths were short and choppy. 

“Ya Allah, please make it end!” I thought in my mind.

These were my thoughts during any large tests I had to take during my memorization of the Qur’an. My teacher gave us skip tests. That means, she would start an ayah (or portion of an ayah), and we had to continue from wherever she left off. Just the thought of taking one of these tests would stress me out immensely.

After one particular test, I showed my teacher my trembling hands. “This is what happens when you test me,” I explained to her.

“Are you afraid of me?” my teacher asked me.

“No,” I responded. 

One would assume I had a super strict teacher, and that’s what stressed me out. In actuality, I’ve never been afraid of her. She’s like a hard candy with a gooey center. I love making that comparison about her, because she always pretends like she’s a strict teacher. In fact, she’s one of the softest and kindest hearted people I know.

So what caused this extreme anxiety and stress? I realized that it may have been the content of what I was studying—the importance of the material I was attempting to place in my heart, mind and ultimately my actions. These words, which I was and am still attempting to internalize and live by, are none other than the words of Ar-Rahman.

Had We sent down this Quran on a mountain, you would surely have seen it humbling itself and rending asunder by the fear of Allah. Such are the parables which We put forward to mankind that they may reflect. (Hashr: 21)

What I finally realized right before my final test for the Quran, is that Allah is the only one who can calm me down. As I waited for my teacher to start testing me, I repeatedly recited the du’a that Moses made to Allah.

[Moses] said, "My Lord, expand for me my breast. And ease for me my task. And untie the knot from my tongue. That they may understand my speech.” (Ta Ha: 25-28)

Although my nervousness wasn’t completely eliminated, I definitely felt the calmest I’ve ever been during a test, and my recitation was slow and controlled. So next time you’re freaking out before reciting, or talking, recite the du’a that Moses made, and let Allah calm you down.

It’s Not About You

“I wish I could memorize the Quran, but I have kids.”

“I wish I could memorize the Quran, but I have a full time job.”

“I wish I could memorize the Quran, but I homeschool.”

“I wish I could memorize the Quran, but I’m so busy right now.”

I often hear people express interest in memorization of the Qur’an, only to follow with a reason for why they are unable to do it in their current situation. I completely understand where they’re coming from. Before I started my journey (and most of the time during my journey) of memorization, I felt the same way. Logically, one would think that such a colossal endeavor would require an immense amount of time that someone who has countless responsibilities would be unable to accomplish…Or that someone who memorizes the Qur’an has special powers. :-)

What changed my thinking, however, is when I used to look at my sister in law when she was memorizing. She had 3 kids (while I had 2) who she homeschooled; she spent a lot of time with my brother (since she’s a good wife); she was a good daughter in law to my parents (who lived with her), she hosted homeschool classes in her home, and she was one of the founders of the Muslim Homeschool Network. Logically, she did not have enough time to memorize the Quran. There just weren’t enough hours in a day for her to fulfill all of her responsibilities while still having enough time to review old, review recent memorization, and memorize a new page. It was impossible.

But she did it.

How? How did she accomplish the impossible? Simple. It wasn’t about her. That’s the thing we often forget. When we decide to memorize the Quran, we’re asking Allah to make us an instrument in the preservation of the Qur’an. All we have to do is put in the effort; the rest is up to Allah. He is the one who makes it happen. So yes, she did put in effort, and she logically did not have enough time, but Allah placed barakah in her time and in her efforts. I witnessed this barakah.

So next time you want to accomplish something and Shaitaan uses an excuse to try to convince you that you can’t do it, remind yourself: It’s not about you. Allah can make it happen.

Old Du'as Die Hard

“Why do you want to memorize the Qur’an?” she asked me.

I looked at her, puzzled. I had asked her to come over and wanted to get some advice from her, since she was a veteran homeschooler. I was feeling guilty about spending less time with the kids and more time on my memorization of the Qur’an during the following year.

The question was valid, because I had a lot on my plate. I was married. I had 3 kids—8, 5 and almost 2 years old. I was homeschooling the elder 2. I lived with my in laws and had a busy social life. My own side of the family lived close by.


Why did I have such an strong desire to memorize the Qur’an for as long as I could remember? I had never stopped to think about. Yes, I knew I wanted to memorize the Qur’an because I wanted the Words of Allah in my heart, mind and actions. But why was this desire so intense—extreme even?

Then it hit me. This unshakable need to memorize the Qur’an was actually a result of my mother’s du’a. Since before my mother had children, before she was even married, my mother has always made du’a for her offspring to be huffadh—those who memorized the Qur’an.

What we sometimes forget, is that the answer to a du’a can come in different forms: 

1) Allah answers the du’a the way we asked.

However, this could happen right away, or after a while. “The du’aa’ of any one of you will be answered so long as he is not impatient and says, ‘I made du’aa’ but it was not answered.’” Narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim. We have to remember that Allah knows everything, so He knows the best time for us to get what we asked for.

2) Allah stops something bad from happening to us.

3) The du’a is saved for us for the Hereafter.

If you think about it, these are all amazing scenarios. We can get whatever we asked for, we can be saved from something bad, or we can have our du’as as good deeds in the Hereafter. All of this, just from asking Allah. So make du’a! You have nothing to lose!