Soft Heart

“Why would you do that? What’s wrong with you? Can’t you ever do anything right?”

Such harsh words have dire consequences, but they’re significantly more damaging for children. As parents, it is tempting to get angry, yell and punish our children when they make mistakes or do not behave according to our expectations. However, when we stop and think about how we would feel being corrected the same way, it is obvious that harshness is far from the best method.

I have been corrected harshly and yelled at, and even as an adult, the experience was extremely demoralizing. Rather than focusing on improving and correcting myself, the harshness made me feel shame, made me want to shut down, made me feel worthless, and made me develop unpleasant feelings towards those who tried to correct me. 

On the other hand, when a person is gentle, lenient and softhearted, I feel safe to open up and be myself, even with my flaws and faults. I can’t help but feel connected to the person in a way that prevents me from actions that would make the person sad or upset. This connection makes me strive to accept advice, even if it is difficult to implement, because I know the advice is being given by someone who cares and desires to help me become a better version of myself. Such a connection is even more crucial with children, and I have observed that, like me, my children respond much better to gentleness and kindness than they do to harshness.

The ability to be lenient and soft with our children is a mercy from Allah, just as it was a mercy granted to Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). “So by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them.” (Aal Imraan:159). Often when something goes wrong, our own fears and lack of patience prohibit us from thinking clearly, remaining calm and acting with kindness. We worry about the consequences of our children’s mistakes, and incorrectly assume that the situation is an emergency. What if they keep making these mistakes? What if they never learn? While it may seem like being strict with children and compelling them to obey is the only way to discipline, in reality, I have seen that gentleness is drastically more effective. Harshness may get results in the short term, but it fails in the longterm and reduces our children's self worth. It is crucial to realize that the connection and relationship with our children is infinitely more important than immediately and harshly correcting the mistakes they make. This connection actually makes our children desire to make us happy and not disappoint us.

When we are harsh and rude, our speech and actions display it. Often, even with neutral words, our children can sense the harshness of our hearts through our tones and facial expressions. “And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you.” (Aal Imraan:159). Our harshness results in our children not wanting to be around us because of how we make them feel. If they dislike being around us, how likely are they to hear our advice, let alone accept it? 

Preserve the connection and the relationship with your children, and next time Shaitaan tempts you to take your anger or disappointment out on them, remember how gentle and lenient Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was, “So by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]. (Aal Imraan:159)

Reviewing with Children

Lack of motivation is a common problem when memorizing. Although we really want to continue memorizing the Qur'an and desire to have the words of Allah preserved inside our hearts, we still struggle with the portions we have already memorized and need to review. I have noticed this lack of motivation in myself, my children and other students of the Qur'an. Following are some tips which I have used to make reviewing with my kids easier. Try whichever ones you feel will work; sometimes different methods work on different days.

1) Make du’a for Allah to put the Qur'an in the hearts, minds and actions of your child and for it to be easy for her. The only way anything happens is first, with the help of Allah, and then with consistent and persistent effort. It’s amazing how strong and effective du’as are.

2) Let your child see you when you are reviewing. The biggest motivator for a child to perform a behavior is seeing her parents do it. Reviewing is no exception. When your child sees you reviewing, she will internalize the importance of review.

3) Talk to your child and remind her about the importance of review. Memorizing without maintaining review is like carrying a bucket of water with a hole in it; eventually everything will be lost. I find that even though my daughter knows the importance of review, this reminder is needed often.

4) Do the hardest review first. Save the easier review for the end when the brain is more tired. For my children, the hardest review is usually what they memorized in the last 3-6 days, followed by their weekly review. We do the remainder of the recent review in the end.

5) Make Qur’an first on the to-do list. The brain is freshest and least cluttered in the morning. Use the morning freshness to your advantage and knock review off the list. Often my kids will do their most recent review and their new before having breakfast. On days they’re too hungry, they do it immediately after breakfast.

6) Schedule a break. My children complete their cycle of old review during the weekdays, so on the weekends they only have recent review and new memorization. This break allows them to rest their brains but still move ahead in new memorization. There have been times where we took a day of the weekend completely off, but that’s rare.

7) Snuggle during review. I have a friend who listens to her son’s review with her head in his lap. I often review with my daughter in my lap or snuggled next to me, even though she is 10 years old! It brings us closer together and makes her feel like it’s her special time with me. 

8) Be gentle. When your child makes a mistake, don’t get frustrated, and don’t get angry. It may seem strange that she is repeating the same mistake multiple times, but when the mistake is solid, it is difficult to fix. Remember that it is difficult to review, but it is even more difficult when the person listening to you is upset with you. When your child fixes an old mistake or completes a portion without mistakes, give her a thumbs up or another gesture to indicate she did well; speaking to her when she is doing well may throw her off and cause her to make a mistake.

9) Review in a distraction free area. My children often review in the car, because there is nothing around to distract them. Sometimes we review in the garage or in the office with the door closed if there are other children around.

10) Set a timer. Set a fixed time to concentrate and see how much can be finished in that time. I used to set a 30 minute timer for my daughter, and that really helped her focus on getting done as much as she could without getting distracted in between surahs. Often she would finish all her review, even though she though she anticipated it taking much longer. Caution: Ensure your kids are not reviewing fast. Reviewing too fast compromises tajweed.

Which of these methods have you tried before? What works for your children?

Benefits of Traveling with Kids

On our recent trip to Maui, I was thinking about how much my family enjoys traveling. For those who haven't traveled with kids, it may seem daunting. It may even seem like unnecessary torture! However, after countless road trips, camping trips and flights with my children, I realized that I should share some of the benefits of traveling with kids which keeps us traveling as a family.

1) Build Confidence: My kids are not the most outgoing, but they have enough confidence to converse with adults, buy things, and request what is necessary. When we're traveling, my kids meet new people on airplanes, in restaurants, and in hotels. They ask flight attendants for snacks, they let the waiter know their orders, and they call the front desk to ask for extra towels. They make friends at the hotel pools, and they enjoy talking to locals.

2) Instill Self Sufficiency and Responsibility: My children are almost always responsible for packing their own carry ons and backpacks when we travel. I let them know how many outfits to take, but they choose which ones. They pack their own swimming clothes, undergarments, footwear, and fun items for road trips and plane trips. Since they pack their own items, they don't argue with me over what they should wear or why something got left at home. It also saves me the time I would have to spend packing their luggage. They even roll their own carry ons and carry their backpacks, although sometimes my 3 year old decides to let me carry her backpack for her. :-)

3) Value Experiences and Family and Memories: Traveling has allowed us to experience some amazing moments. When we were in Thailand, the kids and I walked onto a local pier on a beach city where vendors were selling local crafts and foods. We walked hand in hand as the light, warm rain pitter pattered on her heads. Wearing our flip flops, we sloshed in the little puddles. We stopped to watch a lady make som tam, the most amazing papaya salad, from scratch. She allowed us to taste it as she added different ingredients. When she finished making it, we sat down on her makeshift table to enjoy the fresh, delicious, sour, yet sweet and spicy delicacy as the rain drops fell around us. Our tongues tingled and our eyes took in the beautiful ocean in front of us. To this day, my children and I remember that som tam--not just because it was the most delicious som tam we ever tasted, but because it was a moment we all shared together.

4) Embrace Different Cultures: I often feel like racism and ethnocentrism, and often many disagreements are a result of not understanding the ways, culture or traditions of another person or people. We are often afraid of what we don't know, and we tend to assume. I want my children to understand that different people will do things differently. That's why, I encourage learning about different people and how they live in different places.  Allah says in the Qur'an "And of His signs is the Creation of the heavens and earth and diversity of your languages and your colors. Indeed in that are signs for those of knowledge." (Rum: 22) We discuss which aspects of a culture we can take part in as Muslims, which foods we love to incorporate, and what we enjoy most about different ways of living. When we went to Thailand, we enjoyed Thai food immensely. When we went to Hawaii, the children picked up many Hawaiian words and used them while we were there and even when we came back home! As Muslims we believe in a single God, so we did not take part in any Buddhist activities, but we understand that people of different religions can still live in peace and harmony.

5) Practice Patience and Flexibility: When we travel, we're taken out of our homes and our regular routines. We're required to wait: wait for transportation, wait for food, wait for a hotel, wait for the bathroom. Granted, my kids don't always wait patiently, ;-p but at least they get to practice their patience, and they are patient most of the time. We also have to be flexible and learn to make do with what we have. We don't have our own beds, so my elder two share a bed. My youngest shares our bed or sleeps on a makeshift crib. We all share a bathroom, so we wait for each other. We learn to live with less for those traveling days, which in turn makes us realize we can make do with less even when we are home.  We learn to care for each other and help each other out. For example, my elder two often help my youngest get dressed, use the bathroom, eat, and put on her shoes, among other things.

Of course when we're traveling as a family, there are always times that are difficult, mostly when the children are hungry or tired. What I've noticed, however, is that we have really come to enjoy exploring new places together, and the benefits greatly outweigh the difficulties. Our experiences together have made us a closer family and encouraged us to be better people.

Are you inspired to travel with kids? Have you traveled with kids? If so, what benefits did you see? If not, what holds you back?

Old Du'as Die Hard

“Why do you want to memorize the Qur’an?” she asked me.

I looked at her, puzzled. I had asked her to come over and wanted to get some advice from her, since she was a veteran homeschooler. I was feeling guilty about spending less time with the kids and more time on my memorization of the Qur’an during the following year.

The question was valid, because I had a lot on my plate. I was married. I had 3 kids—8, 5 and almost 2 years old. I was homeschooling the elder 2. I lived with my in laws and had a busy social life. My own side of the family lived close by.


Why did I have such an strong desire to memorize the Qur’an for as long as I could remember? I had never stopped to think about. Yes, I knew I wanted to memorize the Qur’an because I wanted the Words of Allah in my heart, mind and actions. But why was this desire so intense—extreme even?

Then it hit me. This unshakable need to memorize the Qur’an was actually a result of my mother’s du’a. Since before my mother had children, before she was even married, my mother has always made du’a for her offspring to be huffadh—those who memorized the Qur’an.

What we sometimes forget, is that the answer to a du’a can come in different forms: 

1) Allah answers the du’a the way we asked.

However, this could happen right away, or after a while. “The du’aa’ of any one of you will be answered so long as he is not impatient and says, ‘I made du’aa’ but it was not answered.’” Narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim. We have to remember that Allah knows everything, so He knows the best time for us to get what we asked for.

2) Allah stops something bad from happening to us.

3) The du’a is saved for us for the Hereafter.

If you think about it, these are all amazing scenarios. We can get whatever we asked for, we can be saved from something bad, or we can have our du’as as good deeds in the Hereafter. All of this, just from asking Allah. So make du’a! You have nothing to lose!